Douglas Henshall and Ben Miles in Betrayal

This is even more despicably subjective than usual. Which is saying quite something, I'm sure you'll agree.

Douglas Henshall and Ben Miles are not attractive enough to play opposite Kristin Scott Thomas.

There, I've said it.

A few years ago at the Donmar, Dervla Kirwan played opposite Sam West as the husband and Toby Stephens as the lover. No problems with that one. For the play to work, you have to believe that she'd be married to one and capable of having an eight-year long affair with the other.

Kristin Scott Thomas might, at a push, if she was feeling a bit low and bloated, and she was drunk when he asked, marry Ben Miles, but she definitely wouldn't shag Douglas Henshall. He's too... squishy and boggly. (It's got NOTHING to do with him being a Ginger. My feelings about Gingers are WELL DOCUMENTED.)

You know what would have been better? The 'English Patient' reunion - on stage. But she'd be married to gorgeous Ralph and shtupping Big Col.

You can see the billboards now, can't you? You can understand why there wouldn't have been a spare ticket for love nor money and I'd have won the Mary Selway Award for Best Casting Director in the World.

And why? Because it is believable that those three are all in the same league. The original production was Penelope Wilton, Daniel Massey and Michael Gambon. That's also dead-on casting. Wish I'd seen it.

So poor old Kristin has to do snogging or whatever with Squashy Henshall and Beer-goggles Miles when she could have had Fiennes and Firth. But hey, it could be worse. She could have to do tongue-snogs with Gary Oldman.

Gary Oldman as George Smiley.

The seminal, influential, unbeatable TV series got bloody lucky. Alec Guinness hadn't done much (if any) TV before, but he hit Smiley so hard on the head it was breathtaking.

In the new film, Smiley will be played by Gary Oldman.

Gary Oldman is a Very Good Actor. But I have some very serious doubts about his Smiley, and they are:

Smiley is meant to be an entirely unremarkable man. He is frog-like, and badly dressed. He is insignificant. He is taken-for-granted, ignored, cuckolded, patronised, and dismissed. But he won't let you see how that makes him feel. He'll just tuck himself away in Bywater Street, with some Goethe. But he's got this job to do, so he might as well try to do it properly. And it is only then, in the commission of a job he has no love for, that we see the deadly laser beam that is George Smiley's intellect, and the walls come tumbling down.

Gary Oldman doesn't do unremarkable. He does facial expressions, and darting eyes, and showing off those vulpine teeth. He is too lean to be a frog, and too edgy to be insignificant. You would always notice Gary Oldman. And if you patronised him or cuckolded him, he would mind. And he'd probably hit you. Or some other non-Smiley thing. Also, Gary Oldman doesn't do laser beams.

Simon Russell Beale was an excellent Smiley on radio. Lovely. Love him. No chance.

So who would I like to see in that part? Hmm. Tom Hollander. But not for twenty years. Maybe he could do the next one.

I thought pretty hard about Kenneth Branagh, but I'm not sure he does laser beams. So I'm going for Simon McBurney. Who is too young. But who would disappear without complaining and then reappear without needing to shout 'ta-da!' Simon McBurney as Smiley? One ticket sold.