Douglas Henshall and Ben Miles in Betrayal

This is even more despicably subjective than usual. Which is saying quite something, I'm sure you'll agree.

Douglas Henshall and Ben Miles are not attractive enough to play opposite Kristin Scott Thomas.

There, I've said it.

A few years ago at the Donmar, Dervla Kirwan played opposite Sam West as the husband and Toby Stephens as the lover. No problems with that one. For the play to work, you have to believe that she'd be married to one and capable of having an eight-year long affair with the other.

Kristin Scott Thomas might, at a push, if she was feeling a bit low and bloated, and she was drunk when he asked, marry Ben Miles, but she definitely wouldn't shag Douglas Henshall. He's too... squishy and boggly. (It's got NOTHING to do with him being a Ginger. My feelings about Gingers are WELL DOCUMENTED.)

You know what would have been better? The 'English Patient' reunion - on stage. But she'd be married to gorgeous Ralph and shtupping Big Col.

You can see the billboards now, can't you? You can understand why there wouldn't have been a spare ticket for love nor money and I'd have won the Mary Selway Award for Best Casting Director in the World.

And why? Because it is believable that those three are all in the same league. The original production was Penelope Wilton, Daniel Massey and Michael Gambon. That's also dead-on casting. Wish I'd seen it.

So poor old Kristin has to do snogging or whatever with Squashy Henshall and Beer-goggles Miles when she could have had Fiennes and Firth. But hey, it could be worse. She could have to do tongue-snogs with Gary Oldman.